TOOLS EXPLAINED

[Ken Darga]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CIRCULAR SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make wood products too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good wood into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal or wood surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

[James Waller]

SHOP-VAC WITH IN/OUT PORTS

"In" port to suck in all the dust from the project you just completed. "Out" port is where all that dust you are sucking in is now going all over your shop cause you forgot to put the bag in the vac.

LOL!  Thanks Ken!

[ray vile]

Ken, That would be an extremely funny list if it wasn't for the fact that I expereinced almost all of them at one time or another, even expereinced James post.

I comfort myself with the old saying " the only person that don't make mistakes is the person that isn't doing something"

[David Dean]

James Waller said:

SHOP-VAC WITH IN/OUT PORTS

"In" port to suck in all the dust from the project you just completed. "Out" port is where all that dust you are sucking in is now going all over your shop cause you forgot to put the bag in the vac.

LOL!  Thanks Ken!

[Justin]

Haha!  I needed a good laugh, the coffee hasn't kicked in yet.  

[KregRep]

Very funny Ken! Thanks for sharing!

KregRep

[james wilhelm]

Ken , really liked your discussion on tools explained !!!!

[Michael R. Turner]

ROUTER: 

A tool used to add that distressed look to both the top of your work bench and your expression when you set it down while it is still turning.

[Ken Darga]

Mike,

Random bench dog holes can be made easily and quickly with a 3/4'' dia bit, turning at full rpm.

Michael R. Turner said:

ROUTER: 

A tool used to add that distressed look to both the top of your work bench and your expression when you set it down while it is still turning.

[Jerrod McCrary]

These should be in the dictionary, gave me a good laugh.

[Robert Brennan]

Good work Ken.

My hammer in use at a customers house.

knocked it out of the frame off the  whilst working on the window above.

I was not happy. I then spent the rest of the day locating a replacement part.

[William Brady]

This really made my day...very funny and very true. Thanks and great descriptions on the tools! 

[Ken Darga]

(OTHER) SHOP TOOLS:

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

PLIERS:  Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

UTILITY KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts -- especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.